I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
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*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
good let them take over I have had enough
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done