me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
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I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
is this a warning or an offer?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics