“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
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I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Mouse
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.