My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
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*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”