No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
You Might Also Like
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf