People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy