They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.