So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
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Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
everyone has that one prude friend
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
The honesty is refreshing
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????