Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
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if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.