Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
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[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Hero horse inspires millions
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
🐕🍷
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines