[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
You Might Also Like
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.