Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
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Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
The Backseat Boys
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here