AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.