Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
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My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
That took me a moment.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.