I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
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One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Peter Parker Peter Driver
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws