*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
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The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you