If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
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NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.