WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
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The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.