i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
You Might Also Like
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
#SCOTUS one-star review
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.