Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
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We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.