Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
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Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Oh the world we live in…
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad