*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
You Might Also Like
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.