Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
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United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force