My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
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Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.