Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
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tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.