“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*