Bros before Ohioes
You Might Also Like
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets