Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
We have a winner.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.