the Monday after daylight savings
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I feel it
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red