My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
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My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*