[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
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They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Bro what is this
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING