ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
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American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down