America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it