He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
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Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.