Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
You Might Also Like
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Ironic
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.