Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
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Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.