Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
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Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
smartest karate player in the world
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻