You Might Also Like
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.