People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
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I like donuts.
Twitter:
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.