Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
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me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
2 years later
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.