Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
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I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”