I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?