I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
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The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy