4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
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*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Coffee for people with no kids
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.