That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
You Might Also Like
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan