STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
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No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
only 11 steps left
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH