[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
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ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Not all heroes wear capes….
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.