HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.