I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
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[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
No chill.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
She was rare, like a goth jogging
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.