Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
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I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Merica.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
BaD BoY!!
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.